One of the tamer ads for figure enhancement armor

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A fun game to play in Cali is to spot the enhanced women of the city. Since this is plastic surgery capital of Colombia, the game can get absurdly easy: just look for the women whose breasts arrive before they do.

If that’s not enough, then bet on probability: a woman who has implants most likely has had a suite of other work done in Cali’s clinics, many of which offer bundled discounts on liposuction, lipo-laser sculpting, hydrolipoclasy, gluteal augmentation, rhinoplasty, otoplasty (and just about every other plasty, including those in places only visible to privileged men), wrinkle and freckle removal, collagen injections, Botox, laser hair removal, and excessive perspiration treatment, to name a few.

Such women are therefore also easy to spot because they hardly move. In Cali’s world-famous salsa clubs, they become part of the decor and conveniently cushion excited dancers from crashing into walls.

“Why don’t you move your head? Oh, it would mess up your hair. I understand.”

Ask a caleño why his city has become such an aesthetic hub and you’ll get a few answers, all of which make sense: a) There are three medical schools, which is a lot for a city its size. b) Cali surgeons became specialized in reconstructive surgery for victims of violent crime and animal attacks. And c) Rich drug kingpins gladly pay to keep their wives looking perpetually young, while ambitious women upgrade their bodies to lure the attention of such men.

You’ll find these clinics just about everywhere you look, even shopping malls, where they’re as understated and pedestrian as a hair salon or nail parlour. Some clinics specialize in post-operative care. They’re you’ll get special massages with exotic oils to prevent swelling and scarring, while under the watchful care of personal trainers and nutritionists. The ophthalmology clinic where Bianca had her eyes corrected has a facial aesthetic unit just beside the refractive laser correction wing. To me the message is clear: now that you can see yourself better, please do something about that mug of yours.

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Also doubles as a bullet-proof vest

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While body-enhancing operations here are much cheaper than North American and European equivalents, they are nonetheless out of reach for many Colombians of limited income. Which is where the fajas come in. If you can’t afford a tummy tuck, there are abdominal bands that squeeze in fat to give the impression of a flat belly. They go from simple straps for the abdomen to body armor, starting at the thighs and all the way up to the neck and down to the elbows, with extra padding on the buttocks and breasts to give its user that ideal Jessica Rabbit figure. This is, in essence, the full-body Wonderbra.

But the similarity stops there. The Wonderbra is a white lie, a simple, hyperlocal optical illusion. If a woman seduces a man with her cleavage, its prompt disappearance upon removal of the garment can be forgiven, if not condoned. I imagine it’s much harder to overlook the half-mummified woman who just undressed before you.

“Ummm… are you going diving later?”